`Perceive`

How long have I not updated this?? Err... anyway, here goes nothing.

Here goes a quick recap of my autobiography...

People have always thought I was a rich kid since I was young. I had good clothes, spoke English pretty well that they even thought I was born and partly raised in the US, had a very expressive attitude which made think I was of foreign breed since I had these point of views since I was a little kid (I was too... mean, unlike the typical Filipino kid who's shy and always smiling), and I always got what I want. Somehow I had the power to convince in many ways.

It was pretty surprising for most that I was the daughter of an unemployed drunkard and a medical technologist who raises the whole family with some help from her dad and the mother of her dear husband who can practically do a lot but would rather sleep himself to death. My mom and grandpa gave me everything. My dad used to love me but he hated me when I got more of my mom's attention as he was getting worse.

And so, there went my life. I never felt the need for money except for those really expensive things. I've always known the limit but I was fine since I didn't really ask for those, I was content with what I thought was... simple. I had expensive clothes, expensive shoes, money to buy whatever I wanted (that I knew I can afford) whenever I want, I could eat out and hangout anytime anywhere, my family goes out every now and then, we could have whatever food we want no matter how many gourmets it would be, and I loved it! We wouldn't last a day with just one viands, rice wasn't the staple food - it was the viand rather. We ate more ulam than rice itself, contrary to most (which I found surprising at first).

By that time, I know I'm not rich. I know I'm middle class and every middle class was just like me.

Well, I was wrong.

My grandfather died, my mom's salary didn't get any bigger despite the f*cking economy that's ruining our lives, the peso-dollar exchange went up (so the pension gets smaller), we had tons of bills to pay for, I got into college, I needed monthly allowance for my dormitory and making ends meet, and I had a lot of other expenses... including my fervor for so many things that I'm used of having.

Now I'm lost... all of a sudden.

I felt the pressure of this "luxurious life" when all along, it shouldn't have been that way.

I feel terrible for the following things:

• I can't buy clothes that often anymore. I had to wait for the time when I really have more money.
• I can't invest on shoes...
• I have to finish off everything on my plate even if I'm full cuz I get to think of the money I spent on it... but I'm never used to doing it... My grandfather always said, "dont force yourself what you cannot take anymore"
• I have to less viands... and just one class...
• I have to lay low on expenses
• I can't force my mom to buy me stuff
• I always have this excuse "I need to treat myself" so I could spend extra instead of saving my money - and I end up broke... and asking my mom or my aunt for more. take note: My dad is gone. No he's not dead, he's just somewhere out there...

These are just some of the crap in my life. Pathetic I know... but there's a point why I wrote this and not just to brag.

I lived a life that I wasn't suppose to be living - I was pampered too much in a lifestyle that can be easily taken away and now I'm BRAGGING about LITTLE THINGS... which I shouldn't be doing.

 

 

 

going out... going around...

 

I know of what I can do, in fact I'm lucky of going into DLSU, and not really being outcasted cuz I'm broke and everyone's into this training in Makati while I'm in Leave-Of-Absense cuz I can't afford it.

I'm still blessed, and I should be thankful that I can still have these things.

I should stop being too vain... but I guess I really don't. I just have to.. err.. control it?

Oh, my life... I feel awful for being so pathetic. But at the same time, I love being pathetic - then I have something to write.