`Perceive`

I know this girl through someone else. Through how I first knew her, she was awesome. The person who introduced me to her was like fascinated with her. So let’s call this girl Liz.

Well my friend loved to tell me about Liz – that she was cool, had a super cool boyfriend who was also famous, had a rich and happy life – a perfect girl. Note, this is a true story.

So I was like, “really!? She must be really lucky!”

Or so I thought.

Sooner or later, my friend and I realized there was something wrong with Liz. Her stories were inconsistent and she was afraid that we would spread her story of her life to other people – one thing that isn’t usual with a person proud of herself, especially of her boyfriend.

She was living a fairytale based on The OC, One Tree Hill, Laguna Beach and other teeny bopper series on TV.

It was weird, I thought she was true. The problem is why did she have to tell us these things that weren’t true? It felt really awkward finding out that all her life’s stories were lies. It would have been better if this was just a story… but this is real life and we’re real people she’s playing with.

Simple. I want to be somehow happy - no, not grumpy nor grouchy. Just happy. No joke and don't freak out for this is unusual. 

Rain, rain, has gone away. Don't come back any day... You've ruined my weekend!

D@mn. i never really cared less until it struck.

The typhoon- Milenyo... ruined much of our weekend and a lot of lives. And just when I had so much to finish, he kills off everything.

Wednesday night:

Fe, Jen, Lou and I were doing our thesis paper in a computer shop in Dasma. It's draft was due the next day. Then, my mom called saying that classes were already announced to be suspended for Tuesday. So, it was like a two day vacation - Thursday for the storm, Friday for the charter day... and life resumes on Saturday for Law class.

I thought it would be simple as that. We would be finishing things at home, meet up at Thursday and finish the project while it's raining and have some food trip right after that.

Thing is... things didnt turn out exactly as planned. To begin with, the suspension of classes had already ruined much of our schedule.

Thursday...

So there, I woke up by eight, expecting a text message from either Fe or Jen confirming out meeting at my place. I was already home in Cavite City the evening before so we'd be jamming over my house. Before any message arrives, there was a black out, the wind got worse. Sooner or later, the roof from the Grandstand was blown off. The Grandstand is a actually a set of wooden bleachers with a roof. So there, the roof crashed into my Aunt's house. The long slabs of wood hit directly unto her bed, the roof was literally torn open and the water came pouring in. We took her stuff out of the room, I was all wet and I tried to more quickly, fearing the roof may crash in anytime.

Yeah, it was a risk every time I went back into that room. It was scary. But this is the Philippines, no government funds will rebuilt our house, no insurance to cover the destroyed things... so we ought to save it all. And yeah, the f*cking government don't give a sh!t, it's a part of a public property maintained by the government but hell they won't give a single penny to those it ruined. it's their fault in the first place, there was poor (or no) architecture, it was built on low quality materials (take note, in my lifetime of 18 years, it was blown off twice, and four times in total since the high quality grandstand was torn down due to a really big storm and it was old back in the 70s. since then they used low quality crap).

...afternoon

the crash happened at 10am. The eye of the storm passes at like 1pm. It was freaky, but I sort of loved the tension it created - scary, traumatic, there's a tinge of death somewhere. For a moment, some of our neighbors helped us. Somehow, I felt like we're not really hated here. Maybe it's only me... or my father who's long gone from here. Then the storm began. I was at the terrace and I saw flying rooftops for the first time. It didnt last as long as the first hit, nor was it as hard.

Breakdown... breakdown... dead

That afternoon it ended. Bobby and I roamed around several streets out of curiosity and the urge to dip our skinny feet into the water. There was a flood, with it flowed debris and piles of wood, leaves and everything else. There were crashed walls, destroyed rooftops, torn trees.

The following day was a scenery of the aftermath. The sunny morning gave a clearer sight of its horror. No, I'm not really devastated and scared. I was more of annoyed - there was no power, no signal, no water (and I have to get fetch from the Pozo)... tell me how much worse can it get?

Anyway, we have electricity now. Only a few parts of the city has light... I want to thank two - 1. God... 2. a special person who made it possible but wouldnt take credit so I'd keep your name a secret anyway. So... there...

I was out of touch with technology for four days. It was really horrible... but nonetheless, fine. It didn't screw much of my life. We're just hanging on a few days preparation for our defense... arrgg... I'm sarcastic, just for the record that you might not understand.

 **I'll have the video uploaded and pic posted...**

How long have I not updated this?? Err... anyway, here goes nothing.

Here goes a quick recap of my autobiography...

People have always thought I was a rich kid since I was young. I had good clothes, spoke English pretty well that they even thought I was born and partly raised in the US, had a very expressive attitude which made think I was of foreign breed since I had these point of views since I was a little kid (I was too... mean, unlike the typical Filipino kid who's shy and always smiling), and I always got what I want. Somehow I had the power to convince in many ways.

It was pretty surprising for most that I was the daughter of an unemployed drunkard and a medical technologist who raises the whole family with some help from her dad and the mother of her dear husband who can practically do a lot but would rather sleep himself to death. My mom and grandpa gave me everything. My dad used to love me but he hated me when I got more of my mom's attention as he was getting worse.

And so, there went my life. I never felt the need for money except for those really expensive things. I've always known the limit but I was fine since I didn't really ask for those, I was content with what I thought was... simple. I had expensive clothes, expensive shoes, money to buy whatever I wanted (that I knew I can afford) whenever I want, I could eat out and hangout anytime anywhere, my family goes out every now and then, we could have whatever food we want no matter how many gourmets it would be, and I loved it! We wouldn't last a day with just one viands, rice wasn't the staple food - it was the viand rather. We ate more ulam than rice itself, contrary to most (which I found surprising at first).

By that time, I know I'm not rich. I know I'm middle class and every middle class was just like me.

Well, I was wrong.

My grandfather died, my mom's salary didn't get any bigger despite the f*cking economy that's ruining our lives, the peso-dollar exchange went up (so the pension gets smaller), we had tons of bills to pay for, I got into college, I needed monthly allowance for my dormitory and making ends meet, and I had a lot of other expenses... including my fervor for so many things that I'm used of having.

Now I'm lost... all of a sudden.

I felt the pressure of this "luxurious life" when all along, it shouldn't have been that way.

I feel terrible for the following things:

• I can't buy clothes that often anymore. I had to wait for the time when I really have more money.
• I can't invest on shoes...
• I have to finish off everything on my plate even if I'm full cuz I get to think of the money I spent on it... but I'm never used to doing it... My grandfather always said, "dont force yourself what you cannot take anymore"
• I have to less viands... and just one class...
• I have to lay low on expenses
• I can't force my mom to buy me stuff
• I always have this excuse "I need to treat myself" so I could spend extra instead of saving my money - and I end up broke... and asking my mom or my aunt for more. take note: My dad is gone. No he's not dead, he's just somewhere out there...

These are just some of the crap in my life. Pathetic I know... but there's a point why I wrote this and not just to brag.

I lived a life that I wasn't suppose to be living - I was pampered too much in a lifestyle that can be easily taken away and now I'm BRAGGING about LITTLE THINGS... which I shouldn't be doing.

going out... going around...

I know of what I can do, in fact I'm lucky of going into DLSU, and not really being outcasted cuz I'm broke and everyone's into this training in Makati while I'm in Leave-Of-Absense cuz I can't afford it.

I'm still blessed, and I should be thankful that I can still have these things.

I should stop being too vain... but I guess I really don't. I just have to.. err.. control it?

Oh, my life... I feel awful for being so pathetic. But at the same time, I love being pathetic - then I have something to write.

I haven't updated.. again for quite a while.

I was really busy and I think this life has taken a toll on me.. Yes, it's not my original line... Remember Maroon Five? Errr.. Anyway, so many things have happened since this semester had started...

So here it goes for a quick round up:

**HeCtic... Career WoMan?!**

Aww, come on.. Naniniwala ka ba?

Hahah! Yeah I'm pretty serious...

• Pintados..

So., ang dami naming napasukan na kung anu-ano. I renewed my CBA Concepts membership... It's the Business Ad's production. Well, I was there last year but believe me, the only good contribution I had there was being the Emcee for the Business Ad's general assembly. So, so, ayun! Ngaun... active member ako!! Witwiw!! Hihi... ^_^

In connection with that... I got into this mural contest in CET's Science and Technology Week... chuva... I was with Ern and Mich, two classmates and also members of Concepts. Hmm... we didn't win though. It was really disappointing but I wouldnt post my personal insights on that... mananahimik muna ako, ayoko nan gulo dahil lang dun no!! Pero, it was really disappointing in my part.

...not to mention that I wasted one pair of uniform for that! Imagine, my uniform looked like an abstract work of art with splashes of paint.

• business bitchy bitch bitch...

Then, we've been really busy with our prelim exams and... other activities!

amfoootah.... other activities daw oh? Ako ba toh? boi...

Yep, I'm freaking serious. Last week we went to Araneta again then next week we're gonna have this field trip to this Trade Expo in Megamall. Next to that... We're going to start our training in JAPI. How I wish I get into a good group to make a good company.

• Web Geek

Umm.. I've also made a website. It's currently under construction but I'd be really glad if you guys come to check it out...

**My DiSaPpoiNtments**

Dang rami... napakarami at halos di na mabilang nan daliri ko kahit sobrahan mo pa ng isang daliri na meron ding kuko sa gitna nan kamay ko...

I really had lots of complaints and brags... and it includes my eternal battle with myself. Awwwwe., I hate myself.

• The perfect concoction for failure

I've written this in my other blog. I guess in friendster or what...

Anyway, there's this competition where our delegates lost the place for the Top Five. It was really disappointing knowing that we're a good school and we always manage to get there!

Then I could've let it go but when I knew who some of the members were... amf., wala nang tanong - tanong... sigurado na! Mga ningas kugon! Yup... a bunch of ningas kugon - meaning people who are really good at convincing others that they can do something or achieve something; or people who at first are really hardworking and persevere but... suddenly, parang bula - like bubbles, **POP** they're gone into thin air as if they weren't there...

Oh, it's so sad... I hate those guys... Here are some lines from these people:

• **Blind item Ningas Kugon #01 : really good at starting something with words...

 She goes like "oh, we can do this or that then we'll get this or that! I definitely know how to do this, where to get that, and we can succeed!"

pretty convincing, huh?

then., she even goes like, "Okay, this is what we do... (gives instructions and then suddenly says) but I can't be around, I have this fashion show. Can you guys do that while I'm not around!?

so you think she'll be around... the next time around? so you think she did her part while she's away to somehow contribute something and help you out? but you're wrong. Here's a sample of a text conversation:

you SMS her about her progress and ask her if she's done something and she says, "umm.. I haven't finished it yet. But I will, I'm sorry but I'm pretty busy with our project in blah blah blah."

now you feel assured that she's still, somewhat do it. but then., a few HOURS or one day before submission she sends you a message saying...

"hey, I'm really sorry but I have tonsillitis... I can't type anything!"

Hmmm.. I thought tonsillitis was the inflamation of the tonsil in the throat... But now I think the tonsil in on the hands and she can't type cuz her hands are inflamed. Now it made wonder - it's either her tonsil is found on her hands and it's inflamed so she couldn't type or she uses her mouth to type.

NOw, for the other blind item.. let's just say he has no talent at all... ^_^ cuz he barely gives a damn. his glasses can definitely fool you.

• Fuck the self righteous...

you know what that means...

SO.. that'll be the round up..

maulit muli.. hihi.. ^_^

anyway...

HAAAAAAAAYYY.. Buhay! To begin with, it's our monthsarry!! We... Jess and I are already six months... and it's almost a miracle.. Hahaha.. akalain mo diba!?

I've been really busy lately, especially now. Muntik na kaming tadtarin nan mga projects given a minimum of three days to do it and a maximum of a week!! amf., it's really deadly.

We also have no classes today... the rain.. the rain won't go away.

Then, I'm also concentrating on some stuff like:

• music and bands.. err. not my own, though. Jess and I have been thinking of teaming up with Jhenn to create our own production. I've thought about that before but things came to life a few weeks ago. Anyway, I've been helping out, sort of secretly, to promote this gig...
• career - can you just believe that!? I'm going to have this training on Makati starting next month. I hope this thing works out cuz I'm really looking forward to it.
• art? photography, websites and digital art. Since I don't have much time to do "manual" stuff, I'm usually on the front of my PC editing stuff. It's faster that way but it's really sad that I haven't written much or drawn much...

anyway.. check out my homepage:

 www.wastedminds.tk

Akala mo lang yun!! Wahahah!!

I thought I wouldn't have any summer classes but we managed to make a petition so my summer wouldn't be dull being stuck at home. Then I could go anywhere anytime cuz I'm so... far away! Bwahahah! I'm so bad... evil in its human form as I think and as they say... but not really. I'm juz extending lengths to the impossible weeheheheh...

Anyway, I got an allergy and it sucks really...

But Jen rocks big time! Look at this!

 "sabi ni honey... at eca.. HA"

Everything is supposed to be fine... only if some people would just cooperate and make it right. The problem is, they have their own shit to set their own things 'right'.

Asaaaaaaar!

So, the evening was fine... I mean, Jess and I went to church, then stayed here at home and I was to do everything as I have planned it. I would do the marketing presentation when Jess leaves. We had a great time... a routine to say but not really. Awe, nevermind.

Anyway, things went wrong when I opened our marketing report. One, there was a missing part! Then, there were lots of wrong crap!!!! I know, somehow it was my fault - I should have checked everything before the submission. But, but, but... ano bah!!! Kasi naman, nakakapagod na lahat ako mag aasikaso, having to chase missing groupmates and shit! tapos, you end up with their wrong work! Hindi ko sinasabi lahat mali, in fact, I appreciate their effort. Un nga lan, sana tinama man lang nila. Oo, dapat binasa ko mabuti lahat... but after all the struggle they put me through, trust me, I lost all my enthusiasm in this project.

So there... takte, pinoproblema ko tuloy pano to gagawin ng maayos. Ah! Lagi na lang ako malas sa ibang groupmates... pero alam ko, may mali din ako... kaia sobrang fed up na ko! sino ba naman kasi ang gaganahan??

Then, there's still my project in Biology... pero yun lang presentation ang pinoproblema ko dun...

Haaaayyyyy, eskwelahan.. pwede naman hindi ganito... Kung hindi lan sila nagpalate nan pasa, eh di sana.. ah ewan!

last wednesday was the last time i saw the light of dasma... and after that i was torn into pieces here in cavite. the message: i miss school. no, probably not the institution itself but the things i do there and the people im with rather. but i enjoy being here though... being with jess..

anyway......

im juz pretty much uptight. Jen and I finished our product in one day but the written report isn't done yet. Im gonna ask our other groupmates to do it. They shouldn't be useless, afterall this is a group project. We had to execute it in less a day to spare. The big test comes on thursday...

then our english proposal had to be submitted tomorrow. now, that's two shitty crap that i have to finish until tomorrow... in case that i cant finish it until tonight. tomorrow means early morning - madaling araw - yep, walang tulugan... my eyebags are huge... imagine my small eyes with big dark bags of skin below... yuerks!

Jess and I went out last night... it isnt unusual but we're already a month old. gosh, can you juz believe that?

here's the ticket on the CSU crap concert whatever... I just thought I'd post it anyway... pix of the PICC something will be posted soon on my friendster photoalbum....

and if you don't have a car... well damn... you still hit me somehow...

Oh! ano bang pinoproblema ko!? aba'y tanungin ko ba naman kau...

neweiz, it's saturday and i'm somehow freaking bored by the whole week... marami naman kaming nigawa kahit 3 araw pa lan yung classes pero kahit na, medyo nakakatamad pa rin. we still got a hang over of the xmas break. medyo nakakairita talaga...

Wednesday,nanood kami ng King Kong.... aba'y akalain mong may kakaibang lovestory of some sort. anyway, i got this crazy review of it and other stuff we did,, some perspectives about kingkong beating up big dinobarney...

<- click

So, standing right in front of our gates a brand new black Mercedez SLK hit me, running over my body and it, well, obviously got away with it. I'm technically left bleeding with me singing Happy Birthday in a monotone voice. Almost dead, maybe still dying but unfortunately still alive.

So what is this all about? ay, wala lang... isa na namang reklamo... gusto ko talaga siyang batiin ng happy beerday. pero bakit pa eh ni wala siyang paki sakin. okay, uki, talagang todo emote ako... pero swear, totoo. Sa Jan.9 ang mismong bday nia, pero ngaun yung celebration. marami pa kong nalaman bout jhay, and i dont know who to believe.

so im like caught up in my personal exile from reality making myself believe the truth but too reluctant to let go of my dreams... and it sucks, especially having to cry over it... when it won't even help. he don't give a shit. and my friends will definitely make me eat shit when i do something spectacular a.k.a. rewriting my historical fiasco over and over again.... cuz i am in love with the wrong guy...